What happens when you fall in love? After a while, the soap opera begins, you start demanding. When you start demanding, the love diminishes. The joy fades away.  当你坠入爱河的时候,会怎么样? 通常一阵子之后,戏剧般的情节即将上演,你会开始有要求。而当你开始有要求时,爱就逐渐消减,喜悦也随之淡化。

So then you say, “Oh I have made a mistake in this relationship.” Then there’s struggle and pain to get out of that relationship. After getting out of it, you get into one more; and the same story repeats.

你就会说,“哎,我在这段感情里犯了错误。”接着很痛苦挣扎的脱离那段感情。走出那段感情之后,又再次陷入另一段感情,历史再次重演。

Love is essential in relationships, not mere attraction. In love, there is submission. This is the difference between love and attraction. Though attraction forms the first step, you cannot remain on the first step for too long. You have to move on to the next. That is love.

在感情里,爱是主要的元素,不单靠吸引,而是臣服。爱与吸引是有差别的。虽然吸引是爱情的开始,但你不能停留在第一步, 你必须往前走。那就是爱。

What is that you want to know about relationships? It is really to see how it can be long-lasting. Isn’t it? 

在感情里,你想学会的是什么?是想了解它可以持续多久对吗?

Three things are essential in any relationship: 

在任何一段感情里,有三个重要的元素:

1. Right perception,

正确的观念

2. Right observation, and 

正确的观察

3. Right expression. 

正确的表达

Often people say nobody understands them. Instead of saying, “No one understands me,” you can say that you have not expressed properly. If you speak Russian to a Spanish, they won’t understand definitely. Right perception can happen when you see yourself from the shoes of the other person and look at the situation.

很多时候,人家说没人了解他们。与其说“没人了解我”,你可以说是你没正确的表达自己。如果你对一个西班牙人说俄罗斯语,那肯定的是他不会理解。正确的观念是把你自己置身于别人的处境看待事情。

Right perception, and then right observation. You may have perceived right but how do you react? How do you feel within yourself? Observing your own mind is the second important aspect. This observation within you: observation of sensation, observation of tendencies, observation of patterns within you is also essential.

先要有正确的观念,再来是正确的观察。或许你会有正确的观念,但你如何应对?你的内在又是什么感觉?所以有觉知的观察自己的思维是其次的要素。你自我内在的观察:观察内心的澎湃,倾向,规律都是很重要的。

Perception of the other; observation of oneself. and then, right expression. Expressing ourselves in the right manner.

对其他人的观念,自我的观察,加上正确的表达才是感情里的三大要素。

What we learn in life

The whole life is a lesson of just these three things: perception, observation, and expression. Every mistake you make is really not a mistake; it’s a learning process of the three vital aspects of life. 

生命中的哲学只是围绕在学习这三样东西:观念,观察,表达。你所犯的每一个错并非是一个错误,而是一个学习这三大生命要诀的过程。

Perception needs to be expanded. Don’t just see someone from outside. If someone is grumpy or a little finicky, we hold them responsible for their behaviour. But if we see from a wider perspective, many aspects will come up: that person is grumpy for some reason. That is reflecting in the relationship, widening our lens of perception. Not just accusing someone for what they did, but rather than accommodating them and seeing them at a larger picture. This will help in the relationship. This is the first secret. 

观念需要实时扩展及调整,而不能只取决于一个人的外在。如果一个人脾气暴躁,我们会要他为他的行为负责任。但如果我们从更宽阔的观点来看待,就会发现很多因素的存在导向。因此,我们不该指责他们的行为,而该从更大的画面看待事情,包容他们,这才能促进感情。这是第一个秘诀。

Don’t just give, allow to give also

Second aspect is to give. At the same time allow others to give also.

第二,是给与。同时,也允许其他人给与。

Suppose you are doing everything but you don’t let the other person to do something in return, you are taking them away from their self-worth. Sometimes people say, “Oh! See, I did so much but still that person doesn’t love me.” Why? Because they feel uncomfortable. Love is when there is an exchange. And that can happen when you give them an opportunity to do something for you also.

假设你把所有的东西都做完而不让另一半做一些事回馈,你正剥夺他们的自我价值。有时候我们会听到有些人说“看,我为他付出了多可是他还是不爱我。”为什么?因为他们觉得不舒服。爱应有相互的交换,而只要你给对方机会,他们也可以为你付出。

This needs a little skill. We have to be skillful in making the other also contribute without demanding. The only way we know to get someone to do something for us is by demand. 

这需要一些技巧。我们需要巧妙地让对方在我们毫无要求的情况下付出。我们唯一知道的就是向对方要求。

This has to be done more skillfully. In a relationship, see that the other also contributes to your life so that they don’t feel completely worthless. For love to blossom, self-worth is essential. This is the second important secret. 

在感情里,我们得学会看到对方也需要对你的生活有所付出,才不会让他们觉得没有价值。要让爱绽放,价值感很重要。这是第二法门。

Don’t crowd in, move back to be close

The third aspect of relationship is giving enough space. When you love someone, you don’t give them any breathing space and this can be suffocating. Suffocation destroys love. Respect each other’s space. Take some time off. 

第三,给对方足够的空间。当你爱一个人而不给他呼吸的空间,那是相当令人窒息的,也会把爱吹毁。我们得尊重对方的空间,让彼此有时间,空间喘一喘气。

The ancient people knew this. They had this practise of sending the wives to their mother’s place for one month in a year. That one month created so much longing.

古代人都明白这一点。古人有个习俗既是每一年会有一个月他们把妻子送回娘家。那一个月足以让彼此的相思依恋升温倍增。

For love to blossom, there needs to be longing, and longing needs a little space. If you destroy longing, if you don’t allow longing in your relationship then love does not grow. The charm is lost.

要让爱绽放,就得营造相思感,而相思需要空间。如果你毁了相思,或不让感情里存有一丝的依恋,那爱情将无法成长。彼此相吸的魅力也会随之消失。

Treat love as a dessert

And the fourth aspect is that a relationship should be treated as a dessert, not as a main course. If your life is aimed at some goal, if there is some goal in your life, some aim in your life, then you move in the direction and relationship will move along. If all your focus is just on your relationship, it will not work. And it doesn’t work. You can’t have a dessert for your main course. 

第四,对待爱情该像甜品般,而不是主菜。如果你的生活是朝着某些目标理想前进的话,你会一直往那个方向跑,而感情就会随之逐流。但如果你把重心只放在爱情上,它不会有成果。甜品,终究不能当主餐。

Have a goal in life, have an aim to do some service. Sharing and serving would enhance your ability to love, your ability to accept. And if you have that as a goal and both together move in that direction, there will be no problem.

人的一生,一定要有目标,包括服务及回馈社会。分享或服务将提升我们爱与接受的能力。 如果你有目标,而双方都是朝着这个方向前进,那就不会有问题。

Service is an essential ingredient for a successful relationship. And if the relationship comes from the space of giving rather than need, it is a good relationship.

服务是促进感情的要素。 如果在一段感情里可以付出的胜于所需要的,那将是一段良好的感情。

Often we get bored. When you’re centered, and let go of your feverishness, you’re not bored with yourself; then your charm is long-lasting. That is the secret of being centered, being connected with the self deep within us.

很常我们会觉得纳闷。当你专注,放下外在的干扰,你就不会觉得烦闷,而你的魅力会更常持。

Ananda once asked Buddha, “Buddha, for 40 years I’ve been watching you day and night. But what is it? I can’t get over you. Everyday you’re more charming. Every moment I see you, you’re ever new.” 

阿南达有一次问菩萨,“菩萨,我这样看着你有40年了。可是这究竟是什么?我就是忘不了你,你一天比一天更具魅力。我每见你的一刻,你都是全然一新的。”

That is the nature of our consciousness. Mind is not a stagnant lake; it is a flowing river, fast-flowing river. So when we float with the river, when we are in the moment—every moment—not just brood over the past or anxious about the future, we are ever new.

那就是意识的原理。心智不是一池停滞不前的湖泊,它是一条流动的河。当我们顺着河水漂浮,活在当下的每一刻;不感叹过去,也不焦虑为来时,我们就是全新的。